Hands On Training

	The Interlock The ultimate hand-hold. Confucious once said, "the truest sign of love is whether or not your finger pits touch when you hold hands." He also said "you will probably stop watching The Simpsons after the 9th season," so you know he's wise as hell.
	The Bread Basket You're committed, but you're not having sex. Why? Because this hand-hold is lame. Stop holding hands like a grandmother. And if you're dating your grandmother, well, then, I guess it's okay. But YIKES.
	2 in the Pink A single-digit hand-hold, really? That's the best you can do? This isn't a teenage girl hand-slapping game. Claim that hand! Claim it like Sacajawea claimed the Louisiana Purchase! Right?
	The Chinese Greeting What the f*ck are you doing? Do you even know how to hold hands? This must be so uncomfortable for both of you, seriously. Just stop it. Stop everything.